Fear Part 5

I thought writing Fear Part 4 was the conclusion—not of fear, but of my training with fear. Then a friend simultaneously asked if I had a book by Pema Chodron. I didn't. I’d recently—reluctantly—thrown out an O magazine interview of her by Oprah Winfrey that I’d had for years—in an effort to simplify. Going to the Internet, I found the article and what I knew but had forgotten.

Using the fewest words possible to quote Pema, she teaches to “stay with your feeling.” And the power of her words is that they come from her own experience.

Now I needed my morning fear—to practice. Mentally, I put my other efforts aside so I could be single-minded. This time when I felt the emptiness in my chest, I lay on my back with the thought, Do not start an affirmation. Do not look at the positive. Stay with the negative.

"Friend," I heard myself finally say. I focused on "sitting down with the feeling" as if I’d issued an invitation, rather than found a gate-crasher.

Moments passed. There was time before I needed to swing out my legs. It became a question of who was going to last the longest. "Friend," I repeated, working into enjoying the word, "I am your friend." It was different comforting something organically harmful. It was quieting.

The second morning I was more talkative. "I’m going to stay with you. There’s something you are teaching me," and staying focused on emptiness and chilliness—again, it was quieting.

My realization is, "Learning by experience teaches the way to a solution is each step—right in the moment—may be the end—or a pre-step to the next inspiration."

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Oprah-Winfrey-Talks-to-Pema-Chodron

People as Mirrors

Three times I’ve bought a 6' x 2' mirror from Mahendra, who cut the glass with a diamond and polished the edges—replacing accidental breakage. My Feng Shui* book states the importance of using big mirrors rather than tiny ones that reflect only a part of you.

In my parents' bedroom, there was a full mirror on the back of their door to the bathroom, beside a window overlooking the back hill to Gale's elms. I have fond memories of standing by my dad’s bed—staring to see if I looked ready for school.

During my early spiritual training, I learned of the "mirror principle." It says that everyone you look at is a mirror of you. If you feel excited or upset by what you see, the issue at hand, is yours. If your feelings remain neutral, however, then the content belongs to the other person

Working in Miami with Stephen, my second husband, as he was giving workshops on Sound Healing—where his energy was very high—when on the highway returning to where we were staying, if he were cut off in traffic, he often lost visible and verbal control. Upset with him—not the traffic, I considered there were Cubans passing us who'd risked their lives crossing in a boat to Miami and speeding and cutting in and out of traffic meant little to them. It took me six months for an insight as to why I became upset, until I realized that I cut people off in conversation. At that, my issue with Stephen dissolved, and I watched from a new, calm viewpoint.

My realization is, "Measuring whether we respond or react to another is a tool for self-awareness—with an opportunity for changing through self-improvement."

*Feng Shui (pronounced "Foong Shway") is the Chinese art of placement. Feng means Wind and Shui Water.

The Root of Self-Worth

Photography by Candy Heaphy

"You have a home and family" my mother said, trying to help. "What do you need? A kick in the ass?" vented my father, frustrated that his love and intelligence couldn’t fathom or solve my "problem."

On my fortieth birthday, I sat at my desk, in the early morning, when rhododendron bushes held long, narrow leaves tight above the withered grass of February—writing, as I sobbed. It was not the fault of my husband and daughters, nor could they have helped.

I’ve been re-reading a favorite—Redirecting Children’s Behavior,* to remind me of the words of encouragement I want to use with my grandchildren in three weeks—lingering on the page that says children “need to feel that there is nothing they have to do… to earn our love,” and “It is through unconditional love that we give our children the most valuable gift of all… the ability to maintain their childlike faith in life.”

My rescue began at forty-six, when I was released from the residential psychiatric wing of the Springfield Hospital. "The day I returned home, and stood in my driveway, looking at the lawn that would soon spurt fat, yellow dandelions, and gazed up at the barely open light-green leaves of the sugar maple trees, I felt bone-deep relief to be free. It had been traumatizing to be locked up…Now safely home, breathing in fresh air with my feet firmly on familiar gravel, I said to the trees and sky, 'There must be a better way.'"*

Over the next twenty-three years, I’ve worked hard to fill in what was missing within me, which included, among many other things, appreciating my self-worth and all that I have.

My realization is, "Endurance facing and working through discomforts in life brings relief and renewal—like rain to a root needing to grow."

* Kathryn J. Kvols and Bill Riedler, Redirecting Children’s Behavior, www.redirecting behavior.com