The Root of Self-Worth

Photography by Candy Heaphy

"You have a home and family" my mother said, trying to help. "What do you need? A kick in the ass?" vented my father, frustrated that his love and intelligence couldn’t fathom or solve my "problem."

On my fortieth birthday, I sat at my desk, in the early morning, when rhododendron bushes held long, narrow leaves tight above the withered grass of February—writing, as I sobbed. It was not the fault of my husband and daughters, nor could they have helped.

I’ve been re-reading a favorite—Redirecting Children’s Behavior,* to remind me of the words of encouragement I want to use with my grandchildren in three weeks—lingering on the page that says children “need to feel that there is nothing they have to do… to earn our love,” and “It is through unconditional love that we give our children the most valuable gift of all… the ability to maintain their childlike faith in life.”

My rescue began at forty-six, when I was released from the residential psychiatric wing of the Springfield Hospital. "The day I returned home, and stood in my driveway, looking at the lawn that would soon spurt fat, yellow dandelions, and gazed up at the barely open light-green leaves of the sugar maple trees, I felt bone-deep relief to be free. It had been traumatizing to be locked up…Now safely home, breathing in fresh air with my feet firmly on familiar gravel, I said to the trees and sky, 'There must be a better way.'"*

Over the next twenty-three years, I’ve worked hard to fill in what was missing within me, which included, among many other things, appreciating my self-worth and all that I have.

My realization is, "Endurance facing and working through discomforts in life brings relief and renewal—like rain to a root needing to grow."

* Kathryn J. Kvols and Bill Riedler, Redirecting Children’s Behavior, www.redirecting behavior.com